


The Meaning of Family

by Will_Write_4_Coffee



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/M, Fluffy Ending, Found family themes, Light Angst, Not beta'd we die like men, Rollisi, jealous Carisi, mentions of Dr. Al, mentions of Noah Benson, mentions of Rollins family, who wants a kid birthday party fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-20
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-16 06:14:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29571576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Will_Write_4_Coffee/pseuds/Will_Write_4_Coffee
Summary: Jesse Rollins is turning 3 and Declan Murphy is coming to visit.
Relationships: Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr./Amanda Rollins
Comments: 14
Kudos: 63





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Listen, I just felt like Declan Murphy was done a little dirty by the show cuz he seemed like a decent guy, so I wrote this fic to give him his moment. Plus I NEEDED him and Carisi to have A Talk, so here we are.  
> Light angst turns into a bit of found family fluff at the end. And there's cake.
> 
> Set sometime after Billie is born but before Carisi becomes an ADA.

Shuffling through the stack of mail on her desk, it didn’t take Rollins long to find the heavier cardstock with the handwritten address.

“Oh lord,” she muttered, sliding her nail under the flap to tear it.

Carisi glanced up from his computer. “What?”

“Whatcha wanna bet this is from my mama,” she told him over her shoulder. “Can’t even pick up a phone to call her grandbaby but she’ll send a card to my _work_ of all places.”

“You two still on the outs, huh?”

As she wrestled the pink, off-brand Hallmark creation out of the envelope, she said, “Not sure we were ever on the _in_.”

Carisi chuckled. “Fair enough.”

It took her a minute to fully comprehend the scrawled note on the inside.

This wasn’t her mother’s handwriting. And it wasn’t her sister’s, either.

The name signed at the bottom was the only thing in cursive, but she could still read it clear as day.

“Shit.”

“What?” Carisi asked, this time keeping his eyes on his screen.

“ _Shit._ ”

He was out of his chair in a second. “Hey, Rollins, what—”

Blinking, she tried to wave him away, but it was too late.

“Uh, nothing, it’s…” She shook her head. “It’s… about Jesse’s birthday.”

“From that look on your face, I’m guessing it’s not good news.”

Before Amanda could move, Carisi had taken the card out of her hand, reading it himself.

She held her breath until he spoke.

“Declan Murphy's back in town?” Surprise mingled with something just shy of frustration, raising Carisi’s voice an octave.

“Shhh,” Rollins warned, tugging him by the wrist to the breakroom.

Pressing herself into the corner between the drink machine and the wall, she crossed her arms.

“He’s coming to Jesse’s party?” Carisi asked, rereading the messy lines for a third time. “Did you invite him?”

“I… I told him about it,” she said. “I mean, she’s his daughter, Carisi. He has a right to see her.”

“Yeah, but…” Closing the card, he didn’t offer to give it back. “He never made an effort to see her before.”

“That wasn’t his fault. He was on loan to Interpol, he was in the middle of Prague or Serbia or somewhere God only knows—He’s checked in from time to time.”

“Checked in,” Carisi echoed, derision pulling at the corners of his mouth.

Amanda scowled. “He’s not the deadbeat you think he is, Sonny.”

“Oh really?”

“Yes, really.”

Opening his mouth to argue, Carisi stopped himself. Glancing at the wall above her head, his expression shuttered.

Smacking the card against his hand, he finally offered it back to her.

“If you say so,” he muttered, already turning away.

“Dominick…” She started, voice wavering.

Sure and steady footsteps tapped on the squad room floor as Olivia rounded the corner.

“Rollins, where are we with that statutory case?”

“Uh…” Amanda stared after Carisi as he strode back to his desk. “The music teacher looks good for it. We’re just waiting on a warrant.”

“Great. Why don’t you head out now—try to beat the traffic.”

“Sure.” Nodding, she made her way back to the bullpen as fresh hurt and anger twisted in her gut.

Of all people, she never expected Sonny Carisi to judge her or her life choices.

And yet, here they were.

Tossing the card on her keyboard and snatching her keys off the desk, she grabbed her coat.

As she turned, she made eye contact with Carisi. He was already pushing in his chair, expecting to go with her to pick up their perp.

“Fin,” Amanda called. “You mind riding with me?”

Carisi paused, frowning deeply.

“Sure thing,” Fin said, getting up from his desk and closing his laptop. “You want me to drive?”

“Nah, I got it,” she said, the edge in her voice aimed pointedly at Sonny.

Rolling his eyes, Carisi sat back down with a huff.

As subtly as they could, Fin and Olivia shared a look, but didn’t comment as Rollins stomped towards the elevator and Carisi sunk deeper into his chair, sulking.

************

The day before Jesse’s birthday—a Saturday, by the grace of some God above—Amanda was a nervous wreck.

And irritated as hell on top of it.

Two days, and she’d barely said five words to Carisi that weren’t related to their case. A “morning” here, an “excuse me” there. Nothing substantial. Nothing of interest.

Nothing that either of them _actually_ wanted to say.

Sitting at her desk, following up on the phone with other victims, with TARU, the lab, her cell dinged twice.

_Carisi: Is Jesse’s favorite color still yellow?_

_Carisi: And is Sleeping Beauty still her favorite princess?_

Furrowing her brow, Amanda glanced up. Carisi wasn’t in the squad room, and as far as she knew, he was still out with Liv on another case.

_Rollins: What are you doing, Sonny?_

_Carisi: Yes or no, please._

Sighing, she typed quickly, barely listening to the lab tech ramble on the other end of her office line.

_Rollins: Yes. And yes._

Carisi’s only reply was a thumbs up emoji.

She couldn’t tell if that was because he was still annoyed with her or because he was short on time.

When he and Liv arrived back at the station, there was no explanation pouring from his mouth like usual. He wasn’t carrying anything, either, which limited her snooping opportunities.

As the squad ran down the facts of the case, the developments, their viable suspects, Carisi’s stare continued to land on her, imploring and earnest, as if trying to communicate without sound.

It was wearing down her anger.

Goddamn him.

As Olivia dismissed them, Amanda stepped over.

“Hey, Lieu? Is it alright if I head out a couple minutes early?”

She chewed her bottom lip, hyperaware of Carisi lingering behind her, taking his sweet time picking up his notes. He wanted to talk to her—she could feel it.

“I promised Murphy I’d pick him up at the airport.”

Olivia’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. “Declan Murphy? I didn’t realize—”

“It’s not…” Amanda swallowed. “He’s in town for Jesse’s birthday. He’s only staying a couple days.”

“Oh,” Olivia said, nodding slowly. Her gaze shifted over Amanda’s shoulder, clearly seeing the shift Amanda could only sense in the atmosphere around her.

Loudly closing the folder in his hands, Carisi brushed past them both, muttering “’Scuse me,” as he left.

Rollins held her ground, refusing to look at him.

“Sure, of course,” Olivia said, patting her gently on the elbow. “Tell Lieutenant Murphy hi for me. I wish I could be at the party tomorrow but—”

“Noah’s game. I remember.” She smiled tightly. “Thanks.”

As she gathered up her coat, Amanda hovered by the corner of her desk, pretending to dig through her purse looking for the keys that were stuffed in her pocket.

“Which airline?”

Turning, she frowned at Carisi. “Huh?”

“Which airline is Murphy comin’ in on? ‘Cause if it’s Delta, you’re gonna have a helluva time at the terminal.”

“British Air,” she said, pursing her lips slightly. “I think.”

Carisi nodded, spinning a ballpoint pen between his fingers.

Well that was an enlightening conversation…

“Night Dominick,” Amanda said, adding an extra snap to the last letters of his name.

“Yeah. Night.”

The whole walk down to her car, Rollins clenched her teeth and cursed the name Carisi.


	2. Chapter 2

Balancing the tiered plastic container in one hand, Carisi held onto the glittery gift bag with just his pinky as he pushed the button for the elevator.

Taking a deep breath, he tried to release the tension that had taken up residence in his shoulders and failed.

With a _ding_ the doors opened and he briefly considered turning around and going home.

Stepping into the elevator, he pressed the number for Rollins’ floor and steeled himself for what he was about to walk into.

He could hear all the raucous kids before he even made it halfway down the hall.

Yellow and white balloons were taped to the door jam, some with a big “3” printed on them with sparkly font, and streamers hung from the knob.

Carisi didn’t bother with knocking.

Swinging open the door, he caught it with his foot before it slammed into the opposite wall.

“Uncle Sonny!” Jesse screamed, tearing away from the group of preschoolers playing some makeshift game of capture the Barbie doll.

“Hey Jesse! Happy birthday!”

As he started to squat down to hug her, she leapt into his arms, almost toppling him to the ground.

She was already as strong as her mom.

“Jesse, don’t—” Rollins dropped whatever plasticware she was holding and rushed to his aid. “Honey, we talked about this.”

“Sorry,” Jesse giggled, releasing Sonny but not by much.

Laughing, he stood up. “I’m alright. She’s just keeping me on my toes.”

“Guess she’s doing that for all of us,” Rollins muttered, stroking the back of her daughter’s head.

With all the grace of a three-year-old high on the glee of her own birthday, Jesse tapped the gift bag in Carisi’s hand.

“For me?” She asked, blinking those big blue eyes up at him.

“Sure is,” he told her, holding it out to her. “Why dontchu take it and put it with the others?” He gestured towards the mountain of wrapping paper and bows on the coffee table.

As Jesse took off with her present, Sonny grinned and put a hand to his low back, trying to knead out the kink before it began.

“Has she had cake already?” He asked.

“Nope. She woke up like this.” Rollins smiled tightly. “And by the end of the day, I’m gonna be institutionalized.”

Carisi laughed, scanning the room. The decorations, balloons, party favors, snacks… It was all perfect for little Jesse.

“I, uh… I wasn’t sure you were coming,” Amanda said, voice lower.

An ache knotted in his chest.

“What? Why’d you—”

He cut himself off. In the toddler whirlwind, he’d completely forgotten about their…

Well, it wasn’t _not_ a fight, but he wasn’t sure that title fit either.

“Right.” He scratched the back of his neck. “Amanda, I—”

A figure stepped up behind Rollins, two beers in hand and a big smile with an even bigger beard.

“Hey, look who it is,” Declan called as he approached. “Nice to see you again, Sonny.”

The warm greeting jarred Carisi out of his spinning thoughts.

“Here, take this,” Declan continued, holding out one of the bottles. “Trust me, you’re gonna need it. Fifteen kids under five and we just ran out of Hawaiian Punch.”

“Damn it, really?” Amanda turned to look at the snack table. Sighing, she added, “I’ll run and grab more.”

“No, no, I’ll get it,” Declan said, handing her his unopened beer. “Return some calls while I walk. Carisi, you good? You need anything?”

Flustered and caught off guard, he gaped a moment. “Uh, nah, I—I’m alright. Thanks though.”

Declan patted him on the shoulder as he reached for his coat and keys. “You got it. I’ll be back in 30. Try not to lose your mind while I’m gone,” he said, smirking at Amanda.

“No promises,” she replied, smiling tightly.

As Declan ducked out of the apartment, she stared at the container still in Carisi’s hand.

“Are those…”

“Cupcakes, yeah,” he finished for her. “I know you’ve already got a cake, but I figured with the party being kinda big and all—”

A squawk from a child made them both whip their heads around.

“Jesse, please share with your sister, she’s only little,” Amanda called.

Tugging him by the elbow, she ushered him into the kitchen—a relative safe zone for the adults.

Carisi greeted the other parents as he squeezed past them. When one mom eyed him a little funny, probably because he didn’t have a kid of his own, he informed them he was the Godfather.

“If you do your dumb impression, I swear…”

Jutting out his chin, he dropped his voice. “On this… the day of my goddaughter’s birthday.”

“Alright, get out.”

Carisi laughed. “Don’t you want a cupcake first?”

“That depends. Did your mama make them?”

“Nope.” He popped the plastic lid off, revealing rows and rows of bright yellow frosting. “But I did.”

Eyes widening, she glanced from him to the sorta melting, sorta lopsided, but still perfectly edible cupcakes topped with plastic Sleeping Beauty decorations.

“Carisi…” She trailed off, taken aback by the amount of effort he’d put into each one.

There were dozens—enough for everyone at the party to have one, maybe even two.

“Now, I know they’re not as pretty as store bought, but I used my cousin Nancy’s recipe for the cake. And the frosting is homemade too—none of that high fructose crap, and—”

Amanda’s hand on his forearm rendered him silent.

“Thank you, Dominick,” she said, staring up at him. “This was so sweet of you.”

He felt the tips of his ears go pink. “Nah, it’s nothin’.”

“It’s not nothing,” she countered. “You really didn’t have to do this.”

“I know, but I… I wanted to.”

Carisi’s mouth went suddenly dry and he swallowed.

An apology worked its way up his throat, lingering at the back of his tongue.

“Uncle Sonny! Uncle Sonny!” Jesse cried, rushing into the kitchen to grab him by the arm. “Come see how many bubbles I can blow!”

Laughing, he let her drag him away. “Okay, okay! Show me.”

He felt Amanda staring at him the whole way out to the living room.

*************

Five rounds of duck, duck, goose, a bubble blowing contest, a failed attempt at balloon animal making, and the only two magic tricks he knew later and Carisi was pretty sure he was going to collapse into a coma.

He really should have had more coffee that morning. And stretched.

“Okay, who’s ready for pizza?” Amanda called.

The roar of excited ‘yay’s momentarily deafened Carisi, still sat cross legged on the living room carpet.

As the kids rushed over in a stampede, and their respective parents came out to help divvy up the slices, he started to hoist himself up.

“Need a hand?” Declan asked from above him, reaching out to him.

Breathing a laugh, Carisi said, “Yeah, thanks.”

Once pulled to his feet, he dusted himself off—although he was certain he would never get the glitter out of his waffle knit henly.

“You’re good with them,” Declan commented, gesturing to the bustling group of little ones.

“Eh, it helps that I’ve got, like, eight nieces and nephews, and a ton of younger cousins,” he said with a shrug. “Kids just like it when you’re the biggest goofball in the room.”

Nodding with a smile, Declan headed for the kitchen, and Carisi took it as an invitation to follow.

“I think I’m too serious for them,” Declan said, opening the fridge and grabbing two more beers. “Jesse eyes me like she’s expecting me to steal her teddy bear.”

Carisi laughed, popping the cap on his bottle with the edge of the counter.

“Don’t worry, she looks at everyone like that at first. She must get it from Rollins.”

“Thank God that’s not the only thing she got from Amanda,” Declan said, taking a sip. “Last thing the world needs is another mug like mine walking around.”

For the first time since meeting him, Carisi spotted a crack in Declan Murphy’s armor.

He was nervous – scared even. Sonny could tell by the faint tremor in his voice, the tapping of his pinky on the side of his drink, the uncertain gaze skimming the room every few moments.

“How’s it been going?” Carisi asked, softening his voice just enough so it wouldn’t carry. “Getting to spend time with Jesse and all that… Must be…”

“Surreal? Yeah,” Declan said. “I saw her briefly when she was just a baby—she could fit right in the crook of my arm. But now, I mean, look at her…” He gestured to the little girl with blonde pigtails absolutely devouring a huge slice of pizza. “She’s her own person now.”

“Yeah, they grow up fast, don’t they.”

“Too fast.” Taking a long pull from his bottle, Declan made a noise at the back of his throat. “Not that Amanda doesn’t keep me posted. She sends me photos and little videos of Jesse playing or during tumbling class. Her and Billie on the swings. But… it’s not quite the same.”

Watching him, Carisi was overcome with sympathy for the man.

There were so many things he’d never get to see. Get to be present for. It was a modern tragedy.

“You ever think about shipping back to New York?” He asked, glancing down at his beer.

Declan leaned back against the counter. “Sometimes. But I don’t think there’s a place for me here anymore.”

The double meaning wasn’t lost on Sonny.

“Nah, I found my purpose,” Declan continued, attempting to gloss over the ache with a smile. “I’m good at UC work. Not everyone’s built for that life, but I am.”

Before Carisi could comment, Declan nudged his elbow gently.

“And I’ve been meaning to thank you.”

Blinking, he shook his head. “For—for what?”

“You were there with Rollins at the hospital,” Declan said. “Both times. She told me all about how you stuck by her side, never left— even snuck in some of your mother’s cooking for her.”

“Pasta fasul. It’s the only thing that makes me feel better when I’m sick.”

Declan chuckled. “My people prefer Shepard’s pie, but I’ll take your word for it.” He shifted his weight as he said, “But I’m eternally grateful she had you there. _Has_.”

Carisi nodded at the correct tense, vocal cords suddenly frozen.

“You’re a good man, Sonny.” Declan clapped him on the shoulder. “The world could use a few more of you.”

His face warmed, but he blamed it on the beer.

“Dec—Oh, hey,” Amanda faltered as she entered the kitchen. “Uh, Jesse wanted to know if you’d like to share some of her pizza.”

“Would I,” Declan announced, clearly for Jesse’s benefit. Setting his beer on the counter, he hurried into the other room.

Smiling as he left, she lingered in the entryway, glancing at Carisi.

“So… Completely put off from having kids yet?”

He almost choked on his sip of beer.

“Nah,” he said, wiping the corner of his mouth. “I think I could handle more.”

She arched an eyebrow. “More?”

“Uh, I meant—y’know, having ‘em. Could handle more in my life—like, responsibilities. Not—”

“Easy, Dominick, I’m not interrogating you,” she laughed. Looking over her shoulder, she added, “Was he?”

“Who? Declan?” Carisi shook his head. “Nah, we were just… just talkin’.”

When she didn’t make a move to leave, he inched forward.

“He seems really happy to be here,” Carisi said.

Amanda nodded. “Yeah, I think so too. He and Jesse stayed up late watching movies and playing knights and dragons. It was sweet.”

He had to speak before he lost his nerve.

“’Manda, about before…” He ducked his head. “The last couple days… I didn’t mean…” He took a breath. “I shouldn’t have been so…”

“Pouty and immature?”

“I was gonna say critical, but sure, yeah, let’s go with that.”

Flashing a smile, she tilted her head. “Well… Not like I helped by icing you out.”

“Eh, I kinda deserved it.”

“It’s just… I know you think I’m not being careful, or that I’m making bad decisions—”

“What? No, no, I—I don’t think that,” he said, leaning closer. “I just didn’t want you getting hurt again. I mean, after Doctor Al—”

“That was different.”

“Yeah, okay, maybe. But… I know you, Rollins. And I know you put in _so_ much effort with people who—who don’t deserve even a fraction of what you give ‘em.” He gestured as he spoke, emphasizing his point. “Your mom, your sister, Al… I just worried you were gonna add somebody else to that list.”

Carisi watched as she bit the corner of her bottom lip.

“Declan’s actually a pretty good guy,” she said. “He’s solid. Not exactly a family man, but…” She laughed on her exhale. “He’s a giver, not a taker.”

“Yeah… I kinda got that sense.”

“And yeah, I was worried about him visiting. Worried there might be… I dunno, expectations. But it’s been good—for him, me, and Jesse.”

He could sense she had more to say, so he stayed quiet.

“You remember that day in court, when my sister was arraigned?”

Carisi squinted. “That—that flutist case. The guy your sister scammed.”

“That’s the one,” she said, rolling her eyes. “Were you in ear shot of my mama when we were talking at the courthouse?”

“You mean right before you nearly passed out?” He smirked. “Nah.”

Crossing her arms, Amanda leaned her hip into the counter. “She said… One day she hoped I’d figure out the true meaning of family.” Scoffing under her breath, she shook her head. “What she meant was that she wanted me to come crawling back, to bow to her and my sister. But that phrase… True meaning of family… it stuck with me.”

His lungs would barely expand as he waited for her to continue.

“I think I have figured out the meaning of family, and it’s got nothin’ to do with whose blood runs in your veins or whose name is on your birth certificate. It’s about who shows up. Who cares enough to stick it out, to be there even when you maybe don’t want ‘em to be.”

Rollins smiled up at him, holding his gaze.

“Don’t you think?”

He barely registered that he was nodding. “Y-yeah.”

“Hey, Amanda?” Declan called as he strode back to the kitchen. “Is it about time for cake? I think the kids are gonna riot if we don’t hand over the sugar.”

“On it,” she said, rushing to dig out the candles and matches.

“Here, I got it,” Carisi said, beating her to the cake and cupcake tray. “Lead the way.”

Sonny had never sung happy birthday that loudly before in his entire life.

He even split a bright yellow cupcake covered in squished frosting with Jesse when Amanda wasn’t looking.

And Declan helped hide the evidence.


End file.
